Bitch Viking (Eric Northman Fanfic)
by FandomFanFiks
Summary: Eric goes to bon temps to visit her family & friends (Jason really) On halloween night, her & Jason set out to cause chaos in bon temps, but what happens when their plans get canceled due to 'Sookie drama', and she cross's paths with a tall sarcastic, pale, vampire with lady hair that gets under her skin...


DISCLAIMER: I do not own True Blood or any of its characters. All rights and ownership go to the original owners and creators. I do however own my own characters and own plot details. A little AU (ONLY BECAUSE CERTIN CHARACTERS DOES NOT DIE) not a cliche fanfic, no marysues (except for sookie, there will be some sookkie bashing BUT with humor) rated M only because of swearing.

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><p>I pulled into Merlotts and seen it was closed.<p>

What.

The.

Fawk?

Why in the name of Frodo's hairy feet would Jason tell me to meet him and Sook here if its closed? I Pulled out my phone, Getting ready to curse his Idioticness when i received a text from the idiot himself.

Jason: Meet us inside.

Me, Being the stubborn jack-ass that I am of course did not listen to him, but texted back, Telling him that he's a idiot if he think's i'm breaking inside Sam's Diner.

**Beeeeeep!**

Jason: DAMN IT ERIC!, Sookie and I DID NOT break into merlotts. the power went out, and sam is trying to get it back on. Just get out of the fuckin' car and come inside.

What a fuckin' doll my dear cousin jason fuckface stackhouse is.

I grabbed my purse and got out. The air was heavy and thick with fog, so thick that the clouds hung heavy over the full moon, giving it an eerie feel…I LOVED IT! in fact, I loved it so freakin' much that I let lose a warriors cry from (you guessed it fear) all the while running to pull open the door. It was so dark inside that If Johnny Depp was inside the diner and decided to rub himself up against me stark naked, me being none the wiser would let lose a can of whoop ass on him.

"Jason, Wher- - -"

"SURPRISE!"

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><p>"Gaaahh"<p>

Was the Intelligent words that came out of my mouth after waking up with a pounding headache.

"What the hell happen?" I said, While opening my eyes and looking around at the embarrassing amount of people that was surround by me.

"Well, Eric, you being your elegant self; freaked out when we yelled 'Suprise' and managed to knock your own self out like a bag of hammers," replied Jason.

I Didn't get a chance to respond to him because I was to busy taking in the fact that my head was being cradled (painfully mind you) by Sookie while we was both on Sam's bar counter top thingy.

"Gurrrrl, you is a fool! Goin' and knockin' yo self' out like that, someone gonna thank' you is some crack baby. Da hell is wrong with yo' nappy ass," came the response of Lafayette, aka Queen bitch #1 of bon temps. I would like to think that I'm Queen bitch #2, but of course his cousin Tara took that title away from me... That bitch. Eh, I Guess she suits the title better than I.

Ignoring the bitch's insults, I took the time to acknowledge the people who was watching me like a moth to a light. The first person I saw was Sookie of course, considering her face was right in mines, by me being in her lap and all.

"Sookie, can you kindly let go of my head? You got the grip of Randy Macho Man Savage," I paused dramatically before adding, "God rest his soul."

Her only response was to glare at me before letting out a heavy sigh while releasing her death grip on my head. I hopped down from the bar, before I could even say hi to everyone, I was pulled into another death grip, this one being via bear hug by my cousin Jason.

"Dammit, gurl! You had me saying ten hell mary's! Why ya gotta scare me like dat!?" I grinned at him, "Go piss yourself, Jason," I shot back, while returning his hug and giving his ass a pinch. Jason let out a yelp and pulled away while calling me a freak.

"Come on, sweet child! You know you like it rough," I said, wiggling my eyebrows. "You don't have to tell us! We all know that child is a freak!" said Tara, pulling me for a bear hug.

"So is this child ova here, heeeeey! get it gurrl!" Lafayette sang, doing his famous ass shaking moves. I laughed, pulling away from Tara as Sam emerged from the kitchen doors."Hey, I don't want any of that freaky stuff in here!" Sam joked.

I got pulled into another bone crushing hug, this time from Sam himself. I gripped the back of his neck tightly, "You know you like it rough!" I whispered in his ear, pulling him in for a kiss while pinching his ass. The kiss only lasted for a few seconds before he pulled away, and grunted "I don't appreciate being sexually Assaulted by a child," he said, turning around as I smacked his ass, hard.

Baby got back!

"Good shit! I've always wanted to taste those sweet lips of yours Sammy Jo!" I shot back, sitting on one of the bar stools. He shook his head while rolling his eyes at me.

Sookie and Jason sat on either side of me while Sam, Tara and Lafayette was behind the bar making some drinks. Jason threw his arm around me and pulled me closer to him.

"WOOO WEEE, GURL! 'bout time you came back to yur roots!" I scoffed, "Merlin's beard! Jason, you know I hate this hick of a town! The only thing that makes it better is you," I said truthfully, He's a total moron, but I love him to death.

"YOU AND I IS GONNA PAINT THIS TOWN RED AGAIN!" he yelled, slapping the counter in excitement, "ROUND US UP SOME SHOTS, TARA!" I turned to Sookie and narrowed my eyes at her...

I hear you're a fang-banger now, Sookie...

I thought, wanting to see if she could still read people's minds. She rolled her eyes, "You and Jason need to mind your own business," she defended, pulling out her cell phone. Bitch. I turned away from her as Lafayette placed a Shirley temple and 3 shots of tequila down in front of us.

"Sam said no liquor foe yo ass," Laffay said. I scoffed, slamming my fist down on the counter, causing the drinks to spill over.

Da hell he will!

"I DID NOT DRIVE ALL THE WAY FROM NEW YORK TO DRINK THIS FORKIN' PUSSY SHIRLEY TEMPLE!" I yelled, "AIN'T NOBODY GONNA MESS UP MY PARTY!" I grabbed two shots and handed one to Jason. He held up his shot glass and nodded in agreement, we toasted and quickly drank the shots. We both slammed our glass on at the same time as the tequila burned down our throats.

"WOOO! SHIT IS STRONG" Jason yelled, "Another round, Tara. Make it a double this time!" she placed another two shot glasses in front of us and quickly filled all four. "Only the finest here in Bon temps!" Jason said, raising his glass in pride.

Damn redneck!

"I'll be right back," Sookie said, placing her phone to her ear as she got up from the bar and walked to the back. I looked and saw that Tara, Sam and Lafayette was still busy preparing drinks and food behind the bar.

"So," I eyed everyone closely, "What were your guys' reactions when Sookie became a fang banger?" They all Shrugged, except for Sam. I could only imagine his reaction when he found out. Poor Sam, he's always adored Sookie, yet she continues to hurt him...

But! I'm here now, and that's about to change for Sammy!

Jason shook his head and poured himself another shot, he already told me he doesn't approve of it.

"Da Gurl is outta her mind, that's what!" Tara said, she walked from around the bar and sat next to Jason. I noticed she side eyed him with a lustful look in her eyes. I knew she still likes him! I looked up at Sam, he's deep in thought as he continues to shine a wine glass aggressively while mumbling under his breath.

Poor bastard.

"So where is this Vampire Boyfriend of hers?" I asked, Can't lie, I'm kinda excited to meet this vampire that gave Sookie her fang banging title.

Sam snapped his head up with an annoyed expression on his face. "He'll be here soon." He grumbled, pouring himself a glass of whiskey.

Yeah, he totally hates the idea of Sookie becoming a fang banger.

Lafayette placed a plate of food in front of me just as Sookie came walking back with a cheese smile on her face.

Da fork is she smiling about?

"What are you smiling about?" I asked, grabbing a fry. She simply shrugged, looking innocent as ever. "Nothin' I'm just happy that yer back is all," she smiled, sitting down next to me.

"HELL YES!" Jason yelled, pulling me to his side, "MY PARTNER IN CRIME IS BACK!"

"Eric!" Sam warned, walking over to me, "Andy Belfluer already put the word out that if you cause ANY trouble, he will personally escort you out of town."

Da hell he will!

I snorted, "Please! The man is just jealous because I can get someone faster in the sack then he could say corn on the cob!" I shot back, pouring Sookie and I a shot.

I came here to fork shit up!

I held up my shot glass, "ANOTHER ROUND FOR THE MOTHER FUCKING DEPUTY!"

Well! I hope you guys liked it! Don't worry, the next chapters are going to be waaaaay better! So much more to come! Comment, follow, fav!


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